Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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