yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
