There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
