I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
