also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
