Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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