One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
