i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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