I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
