I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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