Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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