The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
