I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
