I smell stomach acid.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
