So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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