I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i believe in u and ur pee
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