I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
