M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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