I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
