Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
