walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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