covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
