Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
