just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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