I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
