Already got asked if we're dating
I accidentally had phone sex last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
