she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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