Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
