I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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