Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
