if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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