Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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