My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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