for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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