Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
