I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
