Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
