half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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