my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
