I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
