You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
