look no pants
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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