I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
