This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
