apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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