I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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