hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
