Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
