I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
