Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
